2013 is a New Day!

It's been nearly two years since I have been on here.  Due to another youtuber, I wound up here and realized how long it had been.  I'm not quite sure even what to write.  But I figure, why not?  I'm here.  So leave a little piece of what's going on since this blog still exists.

Today is the first day of the new year.  This is a year in which I have been waiting for for a long time. Some of life's biggest questions are going to be answered this year. 

But I only have two followers.  One that lives far away that has become a good friend over time, the other that was once a good friend but is now far away both in friendship and in distance.  Is it irony that happened? Who knows.  But if either of you read this, you both were a very big part in shaping 2012 for me.

One, has jumped on a journey with me bringing us both closer to God.  2012 was a time for spiritual growth and understanding.  It's as if He purposefully brought us together so that we could lean on each other for all those difficult times.  And now we are finally where we need to be.  Going in the right direction.  Glorifying Him along the way. Perhaps it was all part of God's plan to show us that we are both stronger than we thought we are, but I sure am glad He brought me such a friend along the way.

The other, stepped off the journey many months ago.  Was I sad?  Yes.  When friendships dissolve that once meant so much, it's difficult to swallow.  I spent so long upset because I didn't understand what I did wrong.  I still don't quite understand what I did to end such an epic friendship.  But it's not for me to control.  I finally had to let go of the fact that I didn't get it, and respect what was had.  I tend to be quite an emotional person.  Sentimental things usually get me.  But, I must continue about my life, realizing that people come and people go.  There are good times and there are bad times.  You have to remember the good and forget the bad.  Focus on the fact that so many fun times were had and not hold on to any negative feelings.

I am glad to have the new year.  A fresh start.  Now a count down till March.  Even that, isn't going to be a bowl of cherries, but I know it's worth the wait and worth any struggles that come along.  Here's to you 2013!  For a better year and brighter future.

Warm Embrace

Dreams.  They can bring sorrow to your heart or brighten your soul leaving you floating on air.

The other night you held me.  I was finally in those arms again.  Your embrace warm and gentle.  A hug that felt as though neither of us would ever let go.  The color was so vivid I swore it was real. 

I live for that day.  It brings me joy and I think about it all the time.  It's getting closer and closer.  Soon we will embrace each other and what I've been longing for and missing for so long will be right there in front of me.  You, my love, are the only one that holds my heart, even though you broke it.  So many people don't understand why, but you are the only one that can piece it back together.  And I believe in you more than anyone that you will shine.

Thoughts on the Future

So, the past few weeks have been filled with frustrations of being thrown around like a fish out of water  that no one knows what to do with at work.  But, finally, after many talks I feel I've come to a schedule that will work for me, even though it takes a lot of my time.

But I've been thinking about this and realized what I'd like to do over the next few years. 

With the way it's working now,  I'm making a good amount to save.  Therefore, I will continue on that journey and not do many exhilarating things, but make a nest egg.  Then, when it comes time for me to step out of the middle ground of kid and adult and actually become a full adult and get married,  I think it's a nice idea to take a sabbatical and leave my current job and have an exhilarating 6 months.    Why should you start your life out with someone taking one week to go on an extravagant vacation only to come back straight way to the ho hum drill of what you've been doing before you stepped onto your journey through life with them?

I look at it this way.  I've got many things I want to see and places I want to go.  But I also am a hopeless romantic who thinks of how I want things to be between my future husband and I and the bond we will share.  Therefore, why not morph the two together?  Start an epic journey on the nest egg I make now.  Because if all you do is work your life away and hoard your money, what kind of life is that?  I want to enjoy things.

Hugs

Time. Waiting. Patience.

Time can feel like its flying at one minute and frozen the next.  May feels like it is an eternity away.  I stand here awaiting that first hug.  That first beautiful hug that I don't think I'll ever let go of.  I can't wait to have your arms wrapped around me and your face right next to mine.  Finally be able to smell you and look into your eyes.  The eagerness drives me.  Yet at the same time the waiting feels like it's going to be forever!

Until then, I shall wait.  And my arms will belong to no one else until they can be wrapped around you.

Loner

I realized today I am horrible at having more than a handful of friends.  I have my very closest friends that I know whats going on all the time with them, then I have friends I talk to every now and then but really don't keep up with at all.  I've noticed I do not respond to texts fast at all.  In fact, most of the time I forget to text back unless it's one of my closest friends.

I really am quite a loner.  I enjoyed myself today being out by the river, sitting on a bench in the middle of nature immersing myself in rich words on paper.  That solitude made me more peaceful than I've been in a long time.  I was able to express exactly the words I needed to write and I enjoyed being alone, not having to talk to anyone or think about color formulation. 

I don't think this is selfish.  It's just how I'm made.  I talk about how I don't have any friends around because of college, to do anything with, but I think if I had any that weren't the close friends I'm with whenever they're here, I wouldn't really care.  Because I can go places and do things on my own.  Why should I bore myself by hanging out with everybody I know and kinda am friends with.  I already have a difficult enough time making plans with people I went to cosmetology school.  I'd go crazy if there were more to make plans with.

I am a loner.  If you are in my circle and know every little detail about me, you're there for good.  If you're not in the circle, I'm already settled in my ways.  The chances of getting in the circle are slim.  I just can't remember to stay connected with people I rarely talk to.  It's somewhat sad, but at the same time,  sitting by a river collecting my own thoughts and not someone elses, is terribly wonderful and encouraging.

Loving you

I do not know how not to love you.  I was born for this love to be.  Weather or not we become one, I still know I was made to love you and back you up.

Sometimes I wonder why.  But then I realize there's so much to love about you, how could I not?  I know that I am different from most.  As long as you're on this earth, I know I love you no matter where you are.  It doesn't matter to me that you killed absolutely everything you ever were attached to.  A connection to you is a thousand times better than trying to force myself to love someone else.

I wish it were a perfect world.  I wish you could be near me everyday so you'd know why I adore you so.  I wish I could hug you and not let go, ever.  I want so badly just to touch your face again and inhale your smell.  But you are half a world away from me.  I still can't fully release all my love.  I don't know what I'll do once I do see you, but I wish so badly you could be here.  There aren't enough words to describe what you mean to me.  No matter what you've been through, I desire to be the one that is your cheerleader, there to back you up no matter what. 

I pray each day God helps you see the man he made you to be.  That you see all that you're capable of and everything you have to offer the world.  I only wish I knew the future and what it has in store for both our paths.  I long for them to merge, but I cannot force anything.  I must simply trust God and the beautiful love he's given me for you.  Accept it as my destiny and continue to support you no matter.  Because you already know my love is unconditional. 

Weddings

How many people truly know what love is?

Yes, I'm sure many people who are married love their spouse.  Many people who are engaged love their fiance(e).  But how many of these people truly know that deep passion of love that is unconditional and never failing to be forgiving.  The kind which stays in your heart through the saddest times, then burns bright just to have that person in your life.  The kind where it doesn't matter if you have any kind of title with them, the only thing that matters is that they want you in their life again and you help them make it better.  Where you long to make them happy and help them find things that do make them happy. 

It bothers me how many people who are engaged are in love with the wedding.  In love with the idea of planning the wedding and making everything perfect.  In love with all the little details and things that come with weddings and making every guest as whoo'd as possible.  All the intricate things are what are so important.  But in all this detail,  don't forget to build a foundation as a couple.  How many people actually take time to lay a foundation that will never crack.  Take that love I spoke of and make it even greater.  Mature together and see things you never thought were possible.  Why do so many people fall in love with the wedding and not the person in it?

I know, me, personally would not be ready for such things as my wedding.  But when that time comes one day,  if it's that person I love so unconditionally, sure pretty weddings are wonderful and I hope to have one.  But as long as he would be there, put me in a potato sack with bare feet and make me walk into a pig lot and the alter be the trough.  I don't need all that stuff, if my love is there, that barnyard scene would be my heaven.  I might be to passionate about love for some people, but that's how I am and it saddens me to see people fall in love with a wedding and not that beautiful soul which stands there awaiting to start the journey of life with you as one.