Warm Embrace

Dreams.  They can bring sorrow to your heart or brighten your soul leaving you floating on air.

The other night you held me.  I was finally in those arms again.  Your embrace warm and gentle.  A hug that felt as though neither of us would ever let go.  The color was so vivid I swore it was real. 

I live for that day.  It brings me joy and I think about it all the time.  It's getting closer and closer.  Soon we will embrace each other and what I've been longing for and missing for so long will be right there in front of me.  You, my love, are the only one that holds my heart, even though you broke it.  So many people don't understand why, but you are the only one that can piece it back together.  And I believe in you more than anyone that you will shine.

Thoughts on the Future

So, the past few weeks have been filled with frustrations of being thrown around like a fish out of water  that no one knows what to do with at work.  But, finally, after many talks I feel I've come to a schedule that will work for me, even though it takes a lot of my time.

But I've been thinking about this and realized what I'd like to do over the next few years. 

With the way it's working now,  I'm making a good amount to save.  Therefore, I will continue on that journey and not do many exhilarating things, but make a nest egg.  Then, when it comes time for me to step out of the middle ground of kid and adult and actually become a full adult and get married,  I think it's a nice idea to take a sabbatical and leave my current job and have an exhilarating 6 months.    Why should you start your life out with someone taking one week to go on an extravagant vacation only to come back straight way to the ho hum drill of what you've been doing before you stepped onto your journey through life with them?

I look at it this way.  I've got many things I want to see and places I want to go.  But I also am a hopeless romantic who thinks of how I want things to be between my future husband and I and the bond we will share.  Therefore, why not morph the two together?  Start an epic journey on the nest egg I make now.  Because if all you do is work your life away and hoard your money, what kind of life is that?  I want to enjoy things.

Hugs

Time. Waiting. Patience.

Time can feel like its flying at one minute and frozen the next.  May feels like it is an eternity away.  I stand here awaiting that first hug.  That first beautiful hug that I don't think I'll ever let go of.  I can't wait to have your arms wrapped around me and your face right next to mine.  Finally be able to smell you and look into your eyes.  The eagerness drives me.  Yet at the same time the waiting feels like it's going to be forever!

Until then, I shall wait.  And my arms will belong to no one else until they can be wrapped around you.

Loner

I realized today I am horrible at having more than a handful of friends.  I have my very closest friends that I know whats going on all the time with them, then I have friends I talk to every now and then but really don't keep up with at all.  I've noticed I do not respond to texts fast at all.  In fact, most of the time I forget to text back unless it's one of my closest friends.

I really am quite a loner.  I enjoyed myself today being out by the river, sitting on a bench in the middle of nature immersing myself in rich words on paper.  That solitude made me more peaceful than I've been in a long time.  I was able to express exactly the words I needed to write and I enjoyed being alone, not having to talk to anyone or think about color formulation. 

I don't think this is selfish.  It's just how I'm made.  I talk about how I don't have any friends around because of college, to do anything with, but I think if I had any that weren't the close friends I'm with whenever they're here, I wouldn't really care.  Because I can go places and do things on my own.  Why should I bore myself by hanging out with everybody I know and kinda am friends with.  I already have a difficult enough time making plans with people I went to cosmetology school.  I'd go crazy if there were more to make plans with.

I am a loner.  If you are in my circle and know every little detail about me, you're there for good.  If you're not in the circle, I'm already settled in my ways.  The chances of getting in the circle are slim.  I just can't remember to stay connected with people I rarely talk to.  It's somewhat sad, but at the same time,  sitting by a river collecting my own thoughts and not someone elses, is terribly wonderful and encouraging.

Loving you

I do not know how not to love you.  I was born for this love to be.  Weather or not we become one, I still know I was made to love you and back you up.

Sometimes I wonder why.  But then I realize there's so much to love about you, how could I not?  I know that I am different from most.  As long as you're on this earth, I know I love you no matter where you are.  It doesn't matter to me that you killed absolutely everything you ever were attached to.  A connection to you is a thousand times better than trying to force myself to love someone else.

I wish it were a perfect world.  I wish you could be near me everyday so you'd know why I adore you so.  I wish I could hug you and not let go, ever.  I want so badly just to touch your face again and inhale your smell.  But you are half a world away from me.  I still can't fully release all my love.  I don't know what I'll do once I do see you, but I wish so badly you could be here.  There aren't enough words to describe what you mean to me.  No matter what you've been through, I desire to be the one that is your cheerleader, there to back you up no matter what. 

I pray each day God helps you see the man he made you to be.  That you see all that you're capable of and everything you have to offer the world.  I only wish I knew the future and what it has in store for both our paths.  I long for them to merge, but I cannot force anything.  I must simply trust God and the beautiful love he's given me for you.  Accept it as my destiny and continue to support you no matter.  Because you already know my love is unconditional. 

Weddings

How many people truly know what love is?

Yes, I'm sure many people who are married love their spouse.  Many people who are engaged love their fiance(e).  But how many of these people truly know that deep passion of love that is unconditional and never failing to be forgiving.  The kind which stays in your heart through the saddest times, then burns bright just to have that person in your life.  The kind where it doesn't matter if you have any kind of title with them, the only thing that matters is that they want you in their life again and you help them make it better.  Where you long to make them happy and help them find things that do make them happy. 

It bothers me how many people who are engaged are in love with the wedding.  In love with the idea of planning the wedding and making everything perfect.  In love with all the little details and things that come with weddings and making every guest as whoo'd as possible.  All the intricate things are what are so important.  But in all this detail,  don't forget to build a foundation as a couple.  How many people actually take time to lay a foundation that will never crack.  Take that love I spoke of and make it even greater.  Mature together and see things you never thought were possible.  Why do so many people fall in love with the wedding and not the person in it?

I know, me, personally would not be ready for such things as my wedding.  But when that time comes one day,  if it's that person I love so unconditionally, sure pretty weddings are wonderful and I hope to have one.  But as long as he would be there, put me in a potato sack with bare feet and make me walk into a pig lot and the alter be the trough.  I don't need all that stuff, if my love is there, that barnyard scene would be my heaven.  I might be to passionate about love for some people, but that's how I am and it saddens me to see people fall in love with a wedding and not that beautiful soul which stands there awaiting to start the journey of life with you as one.

Flu

It's sad that when you finally get a break from work, you feel like death.  I've been needing to just escape from those I work around everyday,  but I didn't want to be a lump on my sofa the whole time I was escaping.  My throat has felt like somebody took a match, an over sized one at that, and lit it and stuck it down my throat.  My tonsils felt like two eggs hanging out in the back of my mouth.  Breathing for a while was somewhat difficult and took a lot of thought when eating.  Why must the flu attack and give you time off work instead of a nice tropical island attack and give you time off work? 
I normally am the type though, to not get sick often, but when I do, it's intense.  I didn't just have pneumonia in 7th grade, oh no.  It had to be DOUBLE pneumonia.  And I didn't just get a normal sore throat from working my voice too much in chorus in high school.  Something so bizarre went on with my tonsils and throat that my doctor didn't even know what to call it or how to treat it.  And it was reoccurring at that! So it only makes sense that I get the flu that is the kind that they can only give you cough syrup and tell you to go home and wait it out.  At least loading up on ibuprofen helps numb the throat some, but still, as I said before, if I'm gonna have a break from work, I want it to be something splendid.  Not awful. =[

God sends us Angels in human form

Over the past few weeks of accepting that what I always wanted finally happening,  I've noticed that in talking to different clients, and trusting them enough to confide my secrets in them,  that they are truly Angels, Heaven sent.

One guy for example,  had been in the air force.  Didn't go down the same exact path as the person that holds all the pieces of my heart, but he had so much insight for me.  He had never been to the salon before and was not planning on getting a haircut that day, it just happened that God made our paths cross.  He told me how so many people go through this same thing only to realize everything they had and gave up was so much better and what they truly needed.

Tonight's Angel told me of how her husband broke her heart before they were married and broke up with her.  How for a month (oh if only the last two aching years had only been a month) she was devastated, but he finally realized what she meant to him.  And now they're married and she talks about him like he is the love of her life.

I realize I focus mainly on this one subject, but it is suddenly all that is in my mind.  It takes my thoughts and runs.  But it's wonderful.  God only hands you what He knows you can handle, and if we never faced pain in life, we wouldn't appreciate the amazing things He does for us.  So I had to experience heart break.  It taught me a ridiculous amount of things but once that person stepped back into my life, it also showed me what they really meant to me all along.  Whether or not it goes like I want it, that is in God's hands, but as of now I believe He's showing me more and more that this is right and so much good is in store for the future.

Love and War

If you read any of my blogs, you see that my main focus tends to be spiritual and love concerned.  Things that really matter to me.  I'm not really one to just talk about my daily life, that'd be a bit boring considering all you'd hear about is hair.

I have found though, now, that love truly does concur all.  Even if you don't know what the future holds,  love can mend the wounds of the deepest hurt.  The battles you take on with in yourself can easily be smoothed out by the love which you desire and obtain.

But when it comes to that love,  that you haven't seen in years.  That love that you haven't touched or looked at in years.  When that love is in your life but in harms way daily,  your mind set is different.  It's one thing them being in your life again,  but it's a completely different thing when you have to go day to day wondering if they're ok, because it's still months till you can see that face that lights you up like no other.

I've never been one for war.  Which I'm also the one that wishes money didn't exist either.  But when it comes down to it,  if that job he's doing benefits other people's safety,  I can accept that he's in harms way.  Because God has his hands protecting him.  But still,  waiting is difficult, because you don't know whats happening over there or for the matter whats going on in his heart as well.  It's a giant question mark for the future,  but it all feels so right that no matter the wait, the end result will be bliss.

Sack Of Mush

So, earlier today my blog competitor/best friend ever inform me that I am a "sack of mush".  Her words, not mine.

I think she got it quite right though.  When I'm happy and feel love, I'm really super happy and loving.  When I feel depressed cause my love isn't there, then it's extreme.  Which everyone has things like this to make them who they are, but I must say mine are quite extreme.  I like to pour on the cheese in relationships, it's my favorite.

But right now I sit in a place where I feel so much of that mush.  Obviously, from my last blog, it was something huge that happened.  I think the thing that proves most her "sack of mush" theory is the fact that who the last blog is about,  broke me so, yet right now, talking to him and seeing him on my screen makes me happier than I've felt in a long time and I feel an over flow of mush.

Some people want to say I'm wrong though.  Which obviously, this is my path, no one else's.  But when it comes to God and his "love story" for us all,  I feel that he also gives us common sense and a sense of forgiveness.  Of course people who have not ever actually truly been in love will never understand how strong a feeling it is.  But just as I let go of my love,  God put him right back into my life.  Some people say coincidence some say it's wrong.  I say God is love and love is forgiveness and even if this doesn't take me to my soulmate I don't care what other people are trying to tell me because that love and forgiveness I have are strong.  God finally helped me understand that the things that have occurred in my life were there for a reason.  To teach me many things.  He has a plan for all of us, and had he allowed that relationship to go on and never break, I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now.  I wouldn't know how much love I can have for another human being.  And I certainly wouldn't understand forgiveness.

Where would we be if we didn't accept what our hearts told us and didn't forgive people because of their downfalls?  What if God has us in that person's life for a reason, to help bring them closer to Him.  I can not sit back and listen to my peers when it comes to this matter.  It's not going to be discussed with them anymore and I'm going to follow my heart and listen to God.  Not all of His love stories for us are peaches and creme all the time.  Things happen and we don't understand them at first, but He has purpose.  I feel that this path now is going to be quite interesting however it may go.  Lord, lead me in the right direction.

Dear Heart, Welcome to the year of unexpected things

I find that I have a different style of writing on my blog verses my actual written journal, and I am not yet quite prepared to write about this in depth for that.

Usually I can relate what I'm feeling at the moment to a song, but there is no song to relate to the thoughts spinning through out my head right now.  I would have to write it myself.  But I'm not good at that, so I am currently songless.

Though all this time, I've fought.  I've lied and cried and said awful things.  I've buried it deep, claimed I was done,  lied and said if I heard of his death I wouldn't shed a tear.  All of that my pitiful cries of despair and broken pieces I've tried to put together, never would I ever have expected this.

That name, two simple syllables, sweeter than pure honey dripping from my lips.  That look.  Those eyes I got lost in for hours on end and woke up in terror from their beauty in my nightmares.  That smile that no one in the world has.  I told myself, no.  None of that would ever exist anymore.  That they were dead.  He was dead.  The love,  was dead.

But his words.  Hesitant, reserved, apologetic.  All that time.  Time that I spent with tears flooding my eyes and pain all over every inch of me.  That forgiveness I already faced without him knowing, but now that he actually knows.  The peace of letting go.  Yet now,  he's in dangers path.  But protected by God's hands. 

I never ever thought I'd speak to my love again.  But the moment I finally let it go.  I do.  I don't know how to take it.  Obviously I have forgiven, but trust is shattered.  My friendship is there.  But no matter what I do,  my love will never die. 

My life never makes any sense to me.  So if my words make no sense to you, forgive me.  But if you know me and are reading this knowing what I'm speaking of,  do not come at me with warnings, I know more than anyone of my own boundaries.  But I can tell you personally,  no matter what your first real love does,  you will never stop loving them.  I don't care how deep you bury it. 

Stepping outside my boundries

So, last post, on new years day, I announced I wanted to start doing at least one (hopefully more) thing each month that I've never done before.  Yesterday it started! 

While filming our newest video, on a whim we decided to go for Chinese.  Now, I have never actually been and sat down in a Chinese restaurant and had a meal.  I've had mall Chinese and take out from a buffet, but never sit down, waiter comes over and awkwardly takes your drink orders and what not.  It was quite interesting.  It was called the Dragon...Inn? Express? the Dragon something. However I stuck to what I knew.  Orange chicken and fried rice.  I did try some of Sarah's Wonton soup, which was delicious, but I didn't have any myself.


Then tonight I emailed the lady that heads up the film classes I want to take.  There's an information meeting the end of the month.  I'm hoping and praying there's no one on my books already for that night, cause if there is they're gonna get a call from me.  I don't care anymore, I'm at least seeing what it's all about.  It's time for change and some fun and making some actual friends that are in my town.  I'm quite excited personally.

Different

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I must say I am excited it is a new year.  New year, new happenings.

Although I'm beginning to wonder if I fit in anywhere in my age group.  The main subject of my peers is usually alcohol or sex or partying or something along those lines.  Isn't there ANYTHING to do other than all that.  There must be something, which my mission this year is to find it. And find people that are close by who are like me.  (although I'm beginning to wonder if that exists)
So I certainly hope to take a film class this year, that would open my world up to people that have a common interest as me.  I would love to help a program that helps cancer patients with their wigs and make up.  I'm so over the making money part of my job, I want to make people feel better that deserve it.  And this year I'd also like to set a goal of trying something new or going somewhere new at least once a month, hopefully more.  Since I have this written out now, hopefully I'll have inspiration to do these things.