Loner

I realized today I am horrible at having more than a handful of friends.  I have my very closest friends that I know whats going on all the time with them, then I have friends I talk to every now and then but really don't keep up with at all.  I've noticed I do not respond to texts fast at all.  In fact, most of the time I forget to text back unless it's one of my closest friends.

I really am quite a loner.  I enjoyed myself today being out by the river, sitting on a bench in the middle of nature immersing myself in rich words on paper.  That solitude made me more peaceful than I've been in a long time.  I was able to express exactly the words I needed to write and I enjoyed being alone, not having to talk to anyone or think about color formulation. 

I don't think this is selfish.  It's just how I'm made.  I talk about how I don't have any friends around because of college, to do anything with, but I think if I had any that weren't the close friends I'm with whenever they're here, I wouldn't really care.  Because I can go places and do things on my own.  Why should I bore myself by hanging out with everybody I know and kinda am friends with.  I already have a difficult enough time making plans with people I went to cosmetology school.  I'd go crazy if there were more to make plans with.

I am a loner.  If you are in my circle and know every little detail about me, you're there for good.  If you're not in the circle, I'm already settled in my ways.  The chances of getting in the circle are slim.  I just can't remember to stay connected with people I rarely talk to.  It's somewhat sad, but at the same time,  sitting by a river collecting my own thoughts and not someone elses, is terribly wonderful and encouraging.

Loving you

I do not know how not to love you.  I was born for this love to be.  Weather or not we become one, I still know I was made to love you and back you up.

Sometimes I wonder why.  But then I realize there's so much to love about you, how could I not?  I know that I am different from most.  As long as you're on this earth, I know I love you no matter where you are.  It doesn't matter to me that you killed absolutely everything you ever were attached to.  A connection to you is a thousand times better than trying to force myself to love someone else.

I wish it were a perfect world.  I wish you could be near me everyday so you'd know why I adore you so.  I wish I could hug you and not let go, ever.  I want so badly just to touch your face again and inhale your smell.  But you are half a world away from me.  I still can't fully release all my love.  I don't know what I'll do once I do see you, but I wish so badly you could be here.  There aren't enough words to describe what you mean to me.  No matter what you've been through, I desire to be the one that is your cheerleader, there to back you up no matter what. 

I pray each day God helps you see the man he made you to be.  That you see all that you're capable of and everything you have to offer the world.  I only wish I knew the future and what it has in store for both our paths.  I long for them to merge, but I cannot force anything.  I must simply trust God and the beautiful love he's given me for you.  Accept it as my destiny and continue to support you no matter.  Because you already know my love is unconditional. 

Weddings

How many people truly know what love is?

Yes, I'm sure many people who are married love their spouse.  Many people who are engaged love their fiance(e).  But how many of these people truly know that deep passion of love that is unconditional and never failing to be forgiving.  The kind which stays in your heart through the saddest times, then burns bright just to have that person in your life.  The kind where it doesn't matter if you have any kind of title with them, the only thing that matters is that they want you in their life again and you help them make it better.  Where you long to make them happy and help them find things that do make them happy. 

It bothers me how many people who are engaged are in love with the wedding.  In love with the idea of planning the wedding and making everything perfect.  In love with all the little details and things that come with weddings and making every guest as whoo'd as possible.  All the intricate things are what are so important.  But in all this detail,  don't forget to build a foundation as a couple.  How many people actually take time to lay a foundation that will never crack.  Take that love I spoke of and make it even greater.  Mature together and see things you never thought were possible.  Why do so many people fall in love with the wedding and not the person in it?

I know, me, personally would not be ready for such things as my wedding.  But when that time comes one day,  if it's that person I love so unconditionally, sure pretty weddings are wonderful and I hope to have one.  But as long as he would be there, put me in a potato sack with bare feet and make me walk into a pig lot and the alter be the trough.  I don't need all that stuff, if my love is there, that barnyard scene would be my heaven.  I might be to passionate about love for some people, but that's how I am and it saddens me to see people fall in love with a wedding and not that beautiful soul which stands there awaiting to start the journey of life with you as one.

Flu

It's sad that when you finally get a break from work, you feel like death.  I've been needing to just escape from those I work around everyday,  but I didn't want to be a lump on my sofa the whole time I was escaping.  My throat has felt like somebody took a match, an over sized one at that, and lit it and stuck it down my throat.  My tonsils felt like two eggs hanging out in the back of my mouth.  Breathing for a while was somewhat difficult and took a lot of thought when eating.  Why must the flu attack and give you time off work instead of a nice tropical island attack and give you time off work? 
I normally am the type though, to not get sick often, but when I do, it's intense.  I didn't just have pneumonia in 7th grade, oh no.  It had to be DOUBLE pneumonia.  And I didn't just get a normal sore throat from working my voice too much in chorus in high school.  Something so bizarre went on with my tonsils and throat that my doctor didn't even know what to call it or how to treat it.  And it was reoccurring at that! So it only makes sense that I get the flu that is the kind that they can only give you cough syrup and tell you to go home and wait it out.  At least loading up on ibuprofen helps numb the throat some, but still, as I said before, if I'm gonna have a break from work, I want it to be something splendid.  Not awful. =[

God sends us Angels in human form

Over the past few weeks of accepting that what I always wanted finally happening,  I've noticed that in talking to different clients, and trusting them enough to confide my secrets in them,  that they are truly Angels, Heaven sent.

One guy for example,  had been in the air force.  Didn't go down the same exact path as the person that holds all the pieces of my heart, but he had so much insight for me.  He had never been to the salon before and was not planning on getting a haircut that day, it just happened that God made our paths cross.  He told me how so many people go through this same thing only to realize everything they had and gave up was so much better and what they truly needed.

Tonight's Angel told me of how her husband broke her heart before they were married and broke up with her.  How for a month (oh if only the last two aching years had only been a month) she was devastated, but he finally realized what she meant to him.  And now they're married and she talks about him like he is the love of her life.

I realize I focus mainly on this one subject, but it is suddenly all that is in my mind.  It takes my thoughts and runs.  But it's wonderful.  God only hands you what He knows you can handle, and if we never faced pain in life, we wouldn't appreciate the amazing things He does for us.  So I had to experience heart break.  It taught me a ridiculous amount of things but once that person stepped back into my life, it also showed me what they really meant to me all along.  Whether or not it goes like I want it, that is in God's hands, but as of now I believe He's showing me more and more that this is right and so much good is in store for the future.