If you read any of my blogs, you see that my main focus tends to be spiritual and love concerned. Things that really matter to me. I'm not really one to just talk about my daily life, that'd be a bit boring considering all you'd hear about is hair.
I have found though, now, that love truly does concur all. Even if you don't know what the future holds, love can mend the wounds of the deepest hurt. The battles you take on with in yourself can easily be smoothed out by the love which you desire and obtain.
But when it comes to that love, that you haven't seen in years. That love that you haven't touched or looked at in years. When that love is in your life but in harms way daily, your mind set is different. It's one thing them being in your life again, but it's a completely different thing when you have to go day to day wondering if they're ok, because it's still months till you can see that face that lights you up like no other.
I've never been one for war. Which I'm also the one that wishes money didn't exist either. But when it comes down to it, if that job he's doing benefits other people's safety, I can accept that he's in harms way. Because God has his hands protecting him. But still, waiting is difficult, because you don't know whats happening over there or for the matter whats going on in his heart as well. It's a giant question mark for the future, but it all feels so right that no matter the wait, the end result will be bliss.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Sack Of Mush
So, earlier today my blog competitor/best friend ever inform me that I am a "sack of mush". Her words, not mine.
I think she got it quite right though. When I'm happy and feel love, I'm really super happy and loving. When I feel depressed cause my love isn't there, then it's extreme. Which everyone has things like this to make them who they are, but I must say mine are quite extreme. I like to pour on the cheese in relationships, it's my favorite.
But right now I sit in a place where I feel so much of that mush. Obviously, from my last blog, it was something huge that happened. I think the thing that proves most her "sack of mush" theory is the fact that who the last blog is about, broke me so, yet right now, talking to him and seeing him on my screen makes me happier than I've felt in a long time and I feel an over flow of mush.
Some people want to say I'm wrong though. Which obviously, this is my path, no one else's. But when it comes to God and his "love story" for us all, I feel that he also gives us common sense and a sense of forgiveness. Of course people who have not ever actually truly been in love will never understand how strong a feeling it is. But just as I let go of my love, God put him right back into my life. Some people say coincidence some say it's wrong. I say God is love and love is forgiveness and even if this doesn't take me to my soulmate I don't care what other people are trying to tell me because that love and forgiveness I have are strong. God finally helped me understand that the things that have occurred in my life were there for a reason. To teach me many things. He has a plan for all of us, and had he allowed that relationship to go on and never break, I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now. I wouldn't know how much love I can have for another human being. And I certainly wouldn't understand forgiveness.
Where would we be if we didn't accept what our hearts told us and didn't forgive people because of their downfalls? What if God has us in that person's life for a reason, to help bring them closer to Him. I can not sit back and listen to my peers when it comes to this matter. It's not going to be discussed with them anymore and I'm going to follow my heart and listen to God. Not all of His love stories for us are peaches and creme all the time. Things happen and we don't understand them at first, but He has purpose. I feel that this path now is going to be quite interesting however it may go. Lord, lead me in the right direction.
I think she got it quite right though. When I'm happy and feel love, I'm really super happy and loving. When I feel depressed cause my love isn't there, then it's extreme. Which everyone has things like this to make them who they are, but I must say mine are quite extreme. I like to pour on the cheese in relationships, it's my favorite.
But right now I sit in a place where I feel so much of that mush. Obviously, from my last blog, it was something huge that happened. I think the thing that proves most her "sack of mush" theory is the fact that who the last blog is about, broke me so, yet right now, talking to him and seeing him on my screen makes me happier than I've felt in a long time and I feel an over flow of mush.
Some people want to say I'm wrong though. Which obviously, this is my path, no one else's. But when it comes to God and his "love story" for us all, I feel that he also gives us common sense and a sense of forgiveness. Of course people who have not ever actually truly been in love will never understand how strong a feeling it is. But just as I let go of my love, God put him right back into my life. Some people say coincidence some say it's wrong. I say God is love and love is forgiveness and even if this doesn't take me to my soulmate I don't care what other people are trying to tell me because that love and forgiveness I have are strong. God finally helped me understand that the things that have occurred in my life were there for a reason. To teach me many things. He has a plan for all of us, and had he allowed that relationship to go on and never break, I wouldn't be as strong as I am right now. I wouldn't know how much love I can have for another human being. And I certainly wouldn't understand forgiveness.
Where would we be if we didn't accept what our hearts told us and didn't forgive people because of their downfalls? What if God has us in that person's life for a reason, to help bring them closer to Him. I can not sit back and listen to my peers when it comes to this matter. It's not going to be discussed with them anymore and I'm going to follow my heart and listen to God. Not all of His love stories for us are peaches and creme all the time. Things happen and we don't understand them at first, but He has purpose. I feel that this path now is going to be quite interesting however it may go. Lord, lead me in the right direction.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Dear Heart, Welcome to the year of unexpected things
I find that I have a different style of writing on my blog verses my actual written journal, and I am not yet quite prepared to write about this in depth for that.
Usually I can relate what I'm feeling at the moment to a song, but there is no song to relate to the thoughts spinning through out my head right now. I would have to write it myself. But I'm not good at that, so I am currently songless.
Though all this time, I've fought. I've lied and cried and said awful things. I've buried it deep, claimed I was done, lied and said if I heard of his death I wouldn't shed a tear. All of that my pitiful cries of despair and broken pieces I've tried to put together, never would I ever have expected this.
That name, two simple syllables, sweeter than pure honey dripping from my lips. That look. Those eyes I got lost in for hours on end and woke up in terror from their beauty in my nightmares. That smile that no one in the world has. I told myself, no. None of that would ever exist anymore. That they were dead. He was dead. The love, was dead.
But his words. Hesitant, reserved, apologetic. All that time. Time that I spent with tears flooding my eyes and pain all over every inch of me. That forgiveness I already faced without him knowing, but now that he actually knows. The peace of letting go. Yet now, he's in dangers path. But protected by God's hands.
I never ever thought I'd speak to my love again. But the moment I finally let it go. I do. I don't know how to take it. Obviously I have forgiven, but trust is shattered. My friendship is there. But no matter what I do, my love will never die.
My life never makes any sense to me. So if my words make no sense to you, forgive me. But if you know me and are reading this knowing what I'm speaking of, do not come at me with warnings, I know more than anyone of my own boundaries. But I can tell you personally, no matter what your first real love does, you will never stop loving them. I don't care how deep you bury it.
Usually I can relate what I'm feeling at the moment to a song, but there is no song to relate to the thoughts spinning through out my head right now. I would have to write it myself. But I'm not good at that, so I am currently songless.
Though all this time, I've fought. I've lied and cried and said awful things. I've buried it deep, claimed I was done, lied and said if I heard of his death I wouldn't shed a tear. All of that my pitiful cries of despair and broken pieces I've tried to put together, never would I ever have expected this.
That name, two simple syllables, sweeter than pure honey dripping from my lips. That look. Those eyes I got lost in for hours on end and woke up in terror from their beauty in my nightmares. That smile that no one in the world has. I told myself, no. None of that would ever exist anymore. That they were dead. He was dead. The love, was dead.
But his words. Hesitant, reserved, apologetic. All that time. Time that I spent with tears flooding my eyes and pain all over every inch of me. That forgiveness I already faced without him knowing, but now that he actually knows. The peace of letting go. Yet now, he's in dangers path. But protected by God's hands.
I never ever thought I'd speak to my love again. But the moment I finally let it go. I do. I don't know how to take it. Obviously I have forgiven, but trust is shattered. My friendship is there. But no matter what I do, my love will never die.
My life never makes any sense to me. So if my words make no sense to you, forgive me. But if you know me and are reading this knowing what I'm speaking of, do not come at me with warnings, I know more than anyone of my own boundaries. But I can tell you personally, no matter what your first real love does, you will never stop loving them. I don't care how deep you bury it.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Stepping outside my boundries
So, last post, on new years day, I announced I wanted to start doing at least one (hopefully more) thing each month that I've never done before. Yesterday it started!
While filming our newest video, on a whim we decided to go for Chinese. Now, I have never actually been and sat down in a Chinese restaurant and had a meal. I've had mall Chinese and take out from a buffet, but never sit down, waiter comes over and awkwardly takes your drink orders and what not. It was quite interesting. It was called the Dragon...Inn? Express? the Dragon something. However I stuck to what I knew. Orange chicken and fried rice. I did try some of Sarah's Wonton soup, which was delicious, but I didn't have any myself.
Then tonight I emailed the lady that heads up the film classes I want to take. There's an information meeting the end of the month. I'm hoping and praying there's no one on my books already for that night, cause if there is they're gonna get a call from me. I don't care anymore, I'm at least seeing what it's all about. It's time for change and some fun and making some actual friends that are in my town. I'm quite excited personally.
While filming our newest video, on a whim we decided to go for Chinese. Now, I have never actually been and sat down in a Chinese restaurant and had a meal. I've had mall Chinese and take out from a buffet, but never sit down, waiter comes over and awkwardly takes your drink orders and what not. It was quite interesting. It was called the Dragon...Inn? Express? the Dragon something. However I stuck to what I knew. Orange chicken and fried rice. I did try some of Sarah's Wonton soup, which was delicious, but I didn't have any myself.
Then tonight I emailed the lady that heads up the film classes I want to take. There's an information meeting the end of the month. I'm hoping and praying there's no one on my books already for that night, cause if there is they're gonna get a call from me. I don't care anymore, I'm at least seeing what it's all about. It's time for change and some fun and making some actual friends that are in my town. I'm quite excited personally.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Different
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I must say I am excited it is a new year. New year, new happenings.
Although I'm beginning to wonder if I fit in anywhere in my age group. The main subject of my peers is usually alcohol or sex or partying or something along those lines. Isn't there ANYTHING to do other than all that. There must be something, which my mission this year is to find it. And find people that are close by who are like me. (although I'm beginning to wonder if that exists)
So I certainly hope to take a film class this year, that would open my world up to people that have a common interest as me. I would love to help a program that helps cancer patients with their wigs and make up. I'm so over the making money part of my job, I want to make people feel better that deserve it. And this year I'd also like to set a goal of trying something new or going somewhere new at least once a month, hopefully more. Since I have this written out now, hopefully I'll have inspiration to do these things.
I must say I am excited it is a new year. New year, new happenings.
Although I'm beginning to wonder if I fit in anywhere in my age group. The main subject of my peers is usually alcohol or sex or partying or something along those lines. Isn't there ANYTHING to do other than all that. There must be something, which my mission this year is to find it. And find people that are close by who are like me. (although I'm beginning to wonder if that exists)
So I certainly hope to take a film class this year, that would open my world up to people that have a common interest as me. I would love to help a program that helps cancer patients with their wigs and make up. I'm so over the making money part of my job, I want to make people feel better that deserve it. And this year I'd also like to set a goal of trying something new or going somewhere new at least once a month, hopefully more. Since I have this written out now, hopefully I'll have inspiration to do these things.
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