Dear Heart, Welcome to the year of unexpected things

I find that I have a different style of writing on my blog verses my actual written journal, and I am not yet quite prepared to write about this in depth for that.

Usually I can relate what I'm feeling at the moment to a song, but there is no song to relate to the thoughts spinning through out my head right now.  I would have to write it myself.  But I'm not good at that, so I am currently songless.

Though all this time, I've fought.  I've lied and cried and said awful things.  I've buried it deep, claimed I was done,  lied and said if I heard of his death I wouldn't shed a tear.  All of that my pitiful cries of despair and broken pieces I've tried to put together, never would I ever have expected this.

That name, two simple syllables, sweeter than pure honey dripping from my lips.  That look.  Those eyes I got lost in for hours on end and woke up in terror from their beauty in my nightmares.  That smile that no one in the world has.  I told myself, no.  None of that would ever exist anymore.  That they were dead.  He was dead.  The love,  was dead.

But his words.  Hesitant, reserved, apologetic.  All that time.  Time that I spent with tears flooding my eyes and pain all over every inch of me.  That forgiveness I already faced without him knowing, but now that he actually knows.  The peace of letting go.  Yet now,  he's in dangers path.  But protected by God's hands. 

I never ever thought I'd speak to my love again.  But the moment I finally let it go.  I do.  I don't know how to take it.  Obviously I have forgiven, but trust is shattered.  My friendship is there.  But no matter what I do,  my love will never die. 

My life never makes any sense to me.  So if my words make no sense to you, forgive me.  But if you know me and are reading this knowing what I'm speaking of,  do not come at me with warnings, I know more than anyone of my own boundaries.  But I can tell you personally,  no matter what your first real love does,  you will never stop loving them.  I don't care how deep you bury it.